SWAT Kats: Radically Missing

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Bingo
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SWAT Kats: Radically Missing

Postby Bingo » Wed May 31, 2017 9:27 pm

I want to try and be more active here... So thought I'd try with a story first, since I'm socially so very awkward and can't find the courage to up and talk with someone. ^^;

Copy and pasted from FF.Net. (Edited a little.)
'Author note': Well, I haven't wrote anything in years, and before I try and finish my story I currently have going, I wanted to practice, so this one is that; practice, I'd really appreciate any criticism or feedback. This won't be a long story, will try and keep it to about five chapters. I'm not really one-hundred percent confident in my grammar, so if you see something that's a grammatical error feel free to let me know, in this story or my others.

Please note: I replace the word 'hand' with 'paw', and anything italic without an apostrophe at that start of it's paragraph; is a memory, anything italic with an apostrophe at the start of it's paragraph; is a thought.

Disclaimer: I don't own the SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron or any characters unless it's an OC of mine but none are currently in this story.
--
With a groan, the slim SWAT Kat awoke, he didn't move, eyes slowly opened, he couldn't see well, his vision was blurred and it was dark, or it looked dark, or was that his eyes not adjusted?

He laid still, until his second sense kicked in, his ears, they were ringing, not just that, he could hear the sound of crackling, a few pops and the sound of what he thought was wind, when his third sense finally came, he knew what the sounds were, smoke, he could smell smoke, there was a fire uncomfortably close, he tried blinking his eyes, desperate to see where the fire was. The ringing in his ears making it impossible to narrow down where the sounds were coming from.

Finally, the final 'sense' awoke, he could feel, heat, burning, was he on fire!? Pain, shot through his body, his leg and stomach feeling the worst, no, he wasn't on fire... Yet.

Finally he tried moving, wincing as moving his arm shot pain through his stomach, it was bearable at least, he could tell now, he was laying on his side, his back leaning against a wall, a tunnel? He was in a tunnel, finally looking up to see no sky.

But it was dark, he could see light, on the roof of the tunnel, his eyes followed the light, there to his left, was the exit or entrance of the tunnel.

Focusing his eyes more, there he saw a smoking wreckage in the tunnel, black smoke blooming from a source on the ground, he couldn't tell what it was.

The TurboKat!? Was that the TurboKat on fire not too far from him? A horrifying thought crossed his mind, he couldn't see his partner, Was he? W-Was he in that inferno?

Struggling to sit up, he let out a yelp in pain as the wound on his stomach shot pain through his body, he tried ignoring it, as he manged to sit up.

Now leaning on the wall, he sighed as he readied himself to stand up, both paws on the pavement, he lifted his right leg, from previously being straight to now bent, foot firmly on the ground.

He took another slow painful breath, gritting his fangs, as he prepared to move his left leg, the one that hurt, the one that has blood soaking it, the warm crimson liquid that wasn't yet dry.

But the leg felt somewhat numb, so he took a chance to move it, however, instantly regretting it as severe pain shot through his leg and he couldn't hold in the scream that came.

The scream echoed through the tunnel and the slim SWAT Kat lent back on the wall, paws hovering over his left leg, as if that'd cure the pain, his breathing became heavy and painful, he'd not felt such pain in a long time.

His eyes were shut in pain, finally he manged to open them, just a little, they met the same scene as before, the wreckage, the burning, it was clear that no one would be alive in that inferno, he could feel the heat from it, the smoke pouring off and out the opening of the tunnel.

He almost felt like breaking down, crying, but he knew that'd not help at all, so with a slow breath, he placed his left paw on the wall of the tunnel, his right on the ground, as he slowly and painfully lifted himself from the ground, using his good leg and arm he'd previously placed on the wall, to pull himself up, using his elbow on the wall also.

He lout out a few grunts, as the pain kept coming. Now on his feet, well foot, holding his left one out slightly, it's heel only just touching the ground.

He glanced at his leg, afraid to before, to see something sickening and make his mind make the pain worse than it was.

He could see his G-suit was torn, blood covered it, but he couldn't see his wound, the torn suit covering it, he sighed frustrated, looking back at the smoke.

He could see flames now, he now from a standing position, could see the smoke looked worse than it was, the size wasn't nearly big enough to be the TurboKat, that made the slim kat sigh with some relief, well at least it wasn't the TurboKat.

He stood in shock as pieces of his memory came back.
There was smoke and confusion, the TurboKat laid crashed in MegaKat woods, smoke poured from both the cockpit and gunner.

There he was, T-Bone, getting out of his pilot seat that had been ejected.

Removing his straps, he stood up, blood covering his right shoulder.

"Crud." He hissed as he looked over at the crashed jet. He then turned and looked at his buddy, concern on his face. "Are you ok, bud?" He asked as he walked up to his partner who was trying to unbuckle his straps, but they just wouldn't budge, stuck, jammed.

The slim SWAT Kat, gave a nod to his partner as he tried to unbuckle himself still. "This strap is jammed." He spoke through gritted teeth.

T-Bone walked over, placing his paws on the buckle also. "On three." He said as he readied himself to pull a part of the strap.

"Roger that." Razor replied, as he himself readied himself to pull another strap, but the opposite direction his buddy would pull his.

Sure enough on three, both gave strong pulls on each of their straps and with a thud the burly SWAT Kat fell to the ground, butt first, not expecting the fall he didn't prepare himself, but on the bright side, the strap had finally been undone, Razor could now exit his seat.

He had no wounds, not blood on his shoulder, no blood anywhere, it seemed he came out unscathed.
T-Bone chuckled at his own fall, before standing back up with a grunt.

Razor finally able to focus on something other than that stupid strap, he noticed the blood on his partners shoulder, concern filled his face and he was about to speak, but T-Bone raised his right arm, in a gesture 'I'm ok'.

He smiled at his partner. "It's just a scratch, buddy, I'm alright." He said, he could see the concern in his partner ease but not fully go.

Razor sighed as he looked over the jet, there was no way he'd be able to get it flying, not without tools he needed, if he was in the hanger, it'd be an easy fix, but out in the woods, with who knows what after them, not possible.

"I still don't understand why the radar didn't pick up the missile." He finally said.

The missile hit the TurboKat hard, it seemed to have appeared out of no-where, no warning for it, just it's hit, but it didn't cause an explosion, just ripped a whole in the bomb-bay of the jet and causing some electronic failure with one of the three three engines, it's left.

From there it went from bad to worse, but T-Bone manged to steer the jet from the city to it's outskirts in the forest.

No miracle for the tabby this time, the faithful TurboKat couldn't recover, it was going down, that's when they both knew they had to eject.

When they did, all they could do was watch as their jet crash landed, thankfully not with too much of an explosion, just a small one from the cockpit as the nose of the jet hit the ground first, the impact caused the console to explode, it was a small explosion.

None the less, it was still heart breaking to see their jet go down like that, to them they were not a duo, but a trio, with the powerful and faithful jet as their third member.

They landed near the TurboKat with their jet ejected seats.

T-Bone especially had an attachment to the jet, though Razor made the 'gadgets' for the team, T-Bone wasn't idle, he'd designed most of the blue prints for the jet, he was the one to suggest to have it have a VTOL, not just that, he felt responsible for the jet, after all, he was the pilot, the one to get them away from missiles and out of danger, but not this time, sadly he'd not had a chance to react.

T-Bone let out a frustrated sigh. "Maybe Dark Crud, has some new missile cloaking device." He offered a reason why, though he trusted his partners gadgets with his life, he didn't think there was a chance Dark Kat could make anything to cloak Razor's radar.

Razor was going to respond to his partner, but he was cut off from doing so when his Glovatrix let out beeping sounds.

He glanced at it, there on the radar it indicated their was six enemies closing in.

By that time T-Bone had manged to get a slightly smoking Cyclotron out from the TurboKat, how he manged it was through the gaping hole in the bomb-bay of the jet.

"Quick Sure-Shot, get on." He said as he wheeled the bike to his partner.

Razor looked at him confused, it was only the one seated Cyclotron, the two seated one was still being repaired in the hanger.

Razor shook his head. "I'm not leaving you, T-Bone." He said, firm, no way was he going to take off and leave his buddy.

T-Bone raised his left arm with a slight wince, showing his Glovatrix, it was smashed, the radar screen no longer working. "You can lure them away while I try and see if I can repair my Glovatrix." He said, he had a plan, it wasn't the best, but it was all they had right now.

Razor looked at the Glovatrix then back to T-Bone, he sighed, it was a good plan, he with a working radar could tell where the incoming enemy was, so he could lure them away easy. "Alright buddy, I'll be back, keep yourself hidden, ok Hot-Shot?" He said with a small smile, concerned for his partner, he didn't like the idea of leaving him pretty much defenceless, but they had to try something.

"Affirmative, buddy." T-Bone responded giving a thumbs up.


That was all he could remember.

He tried to search his memory for more, but nothing came, he couldn't remember anything but that, why? He needed to know what happened.

Taking another deep sigh, he looked at the wreckage, his memory did answer one thing, his buddy wasn't in that fire, thankfully.

He was at a loss, he didn't know what to do next, then remembered his Glovatrix, he looked at his right wrist, holding up his paw, it was just his gloved-paw, no Glovatrix in sight.

He turned to the tunnels opening, squinting to see what was past the opening, he could see trees, this wasn't a tunnel in the city, he was still in the forest or wooded area.

Finally, he thought standing ground wouldn't help, he tried walking, taking one wobbly step, from the wall, he managed to balance on his own, his left leg still with little pressure on it.

He kept his left leg straight, not bending it at all, last time he tried, he got nothing but pain, and now his leg throbbed.

Just slightly he attempted to put some more pressure on his leg, quickly he found that wasn't a good idea and fell back to leaning on the wall.

He turned to the tunnels opening, left arm leaning on the wall, right arm holding his stomach, as he began to hobble down to the opening, it looked like a life time away, but it was just about the length of the TurboKat away.

Using the wall as a way to stay up-right, he gradually made his way to the opening, the light was getting brighter, he had to blink a few times to let his eyes adjust to the light, finally, he'd ran out of wall.

A few blinks to finally adjust to the brightness, when his eyes finally adjusted, he was met with the muzzle of a gun, almost touching his forehead, he didn't know what to do, he couldn't move fast enough to get out of the line of fire.

He tried to just barrel roll out of the way, diving to the ground landing on his right side and rolling slightly but not far, he let out a yell of pain as his stomach wound began to throb and feel warm, fresh blood was spilling from it, that's what it felt like, he couldn't roll anymore, his body, all of it, felt like it was throbbing in pain now.

His ears began to ring again, his vision becoming blurry, he could tell he wasn't going to be able to stay conscious much longer.

Through the ringing in his ears, he could hear it, laughter, the laughter he couldn't mistake for anyone else, that laughing Hyena; Chop Shop.
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Re: SWAT Kats: Radically Missing

Postby MoDaD » Fri Jun 02, 2017 11:40 am

You paint a very melodramatic picture. You illustrate the peril well by by sharing our initially unnamed hero's confusion in the moment with the reader :D

The grammar and format are what's really hampering things. I'd say 90% of the time when you use a comma, what you're really looking for is a period (full stop).

Most of the time when you start a character’s dialog the quotes should start on a new line.

Also, while redundancy can be used for narrative effect, I think things like this:

Bingo wrote:Finally, the final 'sense' awoke, he could feel...


Immediately followed by:

Bingo wrote:Finally he tried moving, wincing as moving his arm shot pain through his stomach...


...are probably not the best choice. You only get one "finally," otherwise the first "finally" wasn't really "finally," was it? ;)

Listing out each sense coming online would be an interesting take if our protagonist was a robot, where the notion of a sense is categorized and individually identified in some kind of Terminator-esque heads-up-display. But, for our hero it comes across as a little out of place. Something like this:

Bingo wrote:He laid still, until his second sense kicked in, his ears, they were ringing, not just that, he could hear the sound of crackling, a few pops and the sound of what he thought was wind, when his third sense finally came, he knew what the sounds were, smoke, he could smell smoke, there was a fire uncomfortably close, he tried blinking his eyes, desperate to see where the fire was. The ringing in his ears making it impossible to narrow down where the sounds were coming from.


Might be more effective if presented like this:

Bingo wrote:He was still. Pops and crackling rung in his ears. Smoke filled his nostrils, and only then did he notice the heat from an uncomfortably close fire. His tired eyes strained to blink, betraying his desperate need to see where the blaze was. The ringing wouldn't stop. It was impossible to tell where the sounds were coming from.


Present tense and active voice can be useful for conveying the type of drama you're trying to show. :idea:

Also, there’s a very long portion that’s italicized. That can be a great technique for bringing attention to a particular sentence, thought, or even a whole paragraph. But, it loses its value when spread across such a long section of text, and has the added downside of making it difficult to read.

Anyway, it's a neat scene. I think if you sit down and focus on the parts that are the most important and try to trim it down around that, it could be even more successful. Thanks for sharing! :D
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Re: SWAT Kats: Radically Missing

Postby Kooshmeister » Sat Jun 03, 2017 1:05 am

Looks pretty good to me so far. RazorHappyCait
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Re: SWAT Kats: Radically Missing

Postby Bingo » Sun Jun 04, 2017 9:33 am

Oh wow, thank you so much for the criticism/tips, MoDaD. I never know when to add a period or a comma, it's an issue I'm trying to get better at. ^^; I will keep all your wonderful tips and critic in mind for my future typings, thank you again for taking the time to let me know, I appreciate it. RazorHappyCait

I'm glad it looks good to you so far, Koomshmeister. ^^ Thank you for reading.
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