A Public Apology

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Kooshmeister
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A Public Apology

Postby Kooshmeister » Mon Jan 29, 2018 7:53 pm

First thing's first. I know you mentioned 72 hours/three days for me to write and posted this, but I was unsure if that was the deadline or the amount of time you wanted me to wait. Because if I wait that long, it'll eat me up inside, and I've got enough stress in my life already, I decided to just go ahead and do it while the effects of the (not entirely undeserved) scolding you gave me were still fresh. This will be both an apology... and an explanation of my actions.

Where to begin? Well, as many of you are aware, I can often be a handful, and this is putting it mildly. My tendency to become irritated and even angry at the drop of a hat can't have escaped the notice of my fellow fans. It's been going on on and off for a while now, and while there was never any outright malicious intent on my part, suffice it to say my actions have always been pretty inexcusable, and I wanted to say I'm sorry to anyone I've ever annoyed, upset, slighted or insulted.

The trouble which led to my being banned from the Discord began during the Livestream with Lance Falk. I have only myself to blame, really, as usual. Everything was going fine and I was even having fun until I became irritated at some of the questions Matt (MoDaD) was asking. I made the grave and quite rude mistake of voicing my frustration with his questions publicly, no doubt causing him a lot of embarrassment and hurting his feelings. For this, Matt, I am truly sorry. If I had criticisms of the questions you chose to ask Falk, I should've either kept them to myself or come to you privately with them. Instead, I chose to call you out in front of Falk, Clark and everyone in the stream, an act that was ugly and rude.

I suppose that would've been bad enough, but when Falk declared that in his opinion the events of Turmoil II were non-canon, I became even more irritated. I'd put a lot of work into the entries for the three unfinished episodes, and had hoped they'd be considered canon to some degree, so I was understandably upset, but I had no right to then become overly dramatic and start spewing nonsensical hyperbole like saying that the unfinished episodes didn't matter and therefore I was going to go delete their entries on the Encyclopedia. I never meant it. But I also should've never said it. The worst part about this is that in my fury I stopped paying attention to the stream at this point, to the point of taking my headphones off so I could concentrate on writing and arguing with people, even telling my good friend Mark Lungo to shut up. As a result, I was unaware that Lance Falk and Eric Clark were doing a tribute to Scott Hill. By the time I noticed what was happening, I left the stream in a mixture of anger and embarrassment. Neither Falk nor Clark ever said anything to me or made any indication that they noticed, but nevertheless, I feel awful about continuing to be an argumentative little creep during what supposed to be their tribute for their friend. So, Mr. Falk, Mr. Clark, if what I said and did was hurtful to you guys or disrespectful to the late Mr. Hill, I sincerely apologize.

Things got worse when I returned to the Discord server and was (justifiably) chewed out by Felony. Again, in my defense, at the time I was ranting, I was unaware of the tribute to Hill, and I said so... but of course I said so in the ugliest, most hateful manner possible, even telling Felony to (as I remember it) take her righteous indignation and... well, do something unpleasant with it, let's say). After I'd calmed down, I later told her I was sorry but I don't recall her accepting it, nor do I blame her. In any event, Felony, I just wanted to say I'm sorry again. You don't have to accept it, but I just wanted to throw it out there anyway.

Things more or less quieted down after this until I posted a picture from FA, and Poe reminded me of the rules about crediting artists. The artist's name escaped me at the time, so I simply deleted the picture from the chat, but because I found the rule to be stupid I didn't leave the situation alone, choosing to needle Poe by telling her what I thought of the rule, and even tauntingly posting (and then deleting) the poster for the 1933 King Kong. The point I was trying to make with this was that I felt the "post the artist's name" rule was a little too broad, and could theoretically apply to any piece of artwork, including movie posters, and since I had no idea who'd drawn the Kong poster, did that mean I couldn't post it? Basically I was being a smartass, disagreeing with a rule in the most uppity and provocative way possible. I even remember joking to someone (Kyubi? Akane?) that I was likely going to get banned over it. And, well, lo and behold, I was. Boom.

On top of this, I also had my editing privileges on the Encyclopedia revoked - I was told it was due to my "threat" during the Lance Falk stream that I was going to delete all the entries related to the unfinished episodes; as I mentioned, that was just me being dramatic, but Matt had no way of knowing this, so, all my angry complaining to him aside, I can't say I blame him. I then proceeded to burn my bridges with Matt, possibly forever, it seems, by sending him DMs on Discord that ranged from passive aggressive to outright aggressive, basically being a huge jerk about the ban. In no mood to be introspective, I was angry and looking to lash out. I feel hurt about being blocked, but I can understand if Matt simply didn't wanna listen to me be a self-pitying little child. In a series of E-mails I was told I'd been acting up for a long time and enough was enough. I don't know if I'll ever be let back on the Discord server. But I desperately wanted my editing privileges for the site reinstated, and I told Matt so... again, in a very angry, hurtful way because the longer I went without hearing from him, the more irritated I became, eager to lash out. And when he still hadn't replied, I didn't get the message and contacted him in a PM on here, and that is what has led to this post.

I'm sorry I'm so difficult to get along with. I'm sorry I can become so ugly as a result of my short temper. I'm sorry that my single greatest personal skill - apart from my incredible memory for trivia - is how adept I am with ruining friendships... and not realizing that I've set the bridges on fire until it's too late. I suppose it's up to you guys to decide how sincere my apology is. I want to be included once again, but it's up to you to decide if I deserve it (and I won't blame you if you think I don't). I had a good thing going in this little fandom, and I have nobody to blame but myself for wrecking it. Even if much of it was unintentional, that I chose to escalate things by being rude and ugly instead of being chastised and learning from my mistakes is frankly unforgivable.

Anyway, there you have it. I hope you will accept my apology to you all and allow me to continue being part of the community, but I'm also prepared to take my punishment now that Matt has made me realize how hurtful I've been. Come what may, I consider you all my very good friends, and I'll always remember my times with you in the fandom fondly.
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Re: A Public Apology

Postby marklungo » Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:24 pm

I'm really glad to hear this from you, Koosh. I think there's more good than bad about you, and as far as I can tell, your apology seems genuine. I hope that you'll be reinstated into the SWAT Kats community and forgiven by the people you've offended. However...

...apologizing is just the beginning. You've got to do your best to ensure that there are no more incidents, here or in any aspect of your life. Whenever you feel the anger welling up inside you, you need to stop and think before you say or do something hurtful. If you need to seek professional help, then so be it. I know this will be difficult, since you've always had these tendencies, but the sooner you learn to control your emotions, the happier you'll be, and the more friendships you'll be able to keep.
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Re: A Public Apology

Postby Kooshmeister » Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:34 pm

marklungo wrote:I think there's more good than bad about you, and as far as I can tell, your apology seems genuine.


Thanks, Mark.

marklungo wrote:You've got to do your best to ensure that there are no more incidents, here or in any aspect of your life.


I plan to. I need to try and stop letting my anger get the better of me. And I especially need to stop lashing out at people.

marklungo wrote:If you need to seek professional help, then so be it.


I already am seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist.

marklungo wrote:I know this will be difficult, since you've always had these tendencies, but the sooner you learn to control your emotions, the happier you'll be, and the more friendships you'll be able to keep.


Don't I know it. Here's hoping, right?
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Re: A Public Apology

Postby MoDaD » Wed Jan 31, 2018 6:04 pm

You were informed to wait 72 hours. An explanation for your actions was not requested. The stated criteria were for a sincere apology. The response provided is not one.

The underlying point of this was to determine if a simple admission of being wrong without placing blame on others could be provided.

It was not.

Your actions have publicly harmed the SWAT Kats community, and have put future events, collaborations and activities at risk.

In combination with this, the moderators and admins from the various swatkats.info network projects (including MegakatCity.com) have received numerous complaints related to this specific incident, and several have also provided details that have caused a reevaluation of your actions and behavior spanning years.

No one questions your level of passion, interest, expertise, insightfulness or knowledge. But, your ability to participate in a community without disrupting it is haphazard at best.

Because of the level of your involvement, dedication and time spent you have been granted a great deal of leniency in regards to your actions over the years. So much so that it’s caused the alienation of other fandom members whose participation and presence has been lost. I’ve personally been accused of playing favorites with you…and in hindsight, those accusations are correct.

A thread like this would normally not be public, but because so many people have become involved in this, and because I’d like to waylay as much hearsay as possible, it’s been made public so there’s no misunderstanding why the following actions are taking place.

From this point:
  • You are banned from MegakatCity.com for 30 days – expiring March 2, 2018. After the expiration of the ban you can return should you choose to do so. But it will be in a probationary capacity – and any infractions during that time will result in a permanent ban.
  • You are banned from swatkats.info for 180 days – expiring July 30, 2018. Upon return, should you choose to do so, with strict scrutiny.
  • You are banned from Discord for 90 days – expiring May 1, 2018 – upon return, should you choose to do so, in a probationary capacity. Any infractions during that time will result in a permanent ban.

Please note that any discovered activities outside of the swatkats.info network during these periods of time in relation to this matter can affect the outcome of these bans.

It’s important to take into consideration that because of the level of your involvement in this fandom that your actions have the potential to effect it as a whole (at least as far as our community’s endeavors go). A lot of trust was placed in you. Acting contradictory to that trust cannot go without consequence.

I sincerely ask that you take this time as an aside, in order to reflect, acknowledge and pursue a course of action that will be helpful to you.

I would like to see you return for the better, so that this can all be put in the past someday.
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